Life of Sherpa (abridged)


Sherpa remained unnamed for two full days after being born1. When he was five, Paul Nichols informed him of the existence of ‘bad words’2. Notable birthday gifts in his childhood included He-Man & Battle-Cat, and Optimus Prime, for which he is still grateful. When he was 7, his father bought him his very first comic book. At the end of the issue, Glory Grant would accidentally shoot and kill her boyfriend Eduardo Lobo, a werewolf, in an attempt to kill Spider-Man.


After completing University he found he experienced mild anxiety at the word ‘butterfly’. He then went to India where he met three people who had lost their shoes. He later travelled to South America, where he saw a blonde cow that impressed him greatly.

Working for the City of Vancouver, he served no real necessary function. It was here that he developed a sensitivity to ladybugs. He would later survive a fateful encounter with a bad potato and abstained from eating potatoes for several months. On a subsequent visit to South America he ate a bug that made him sick. He would never again see the previously mentioned cow.


In 2010, he was to be featured prominently in the film “The A-Team.” On set, he supposedly took a cookie from Liam Neeson, and was accused of being a cop. It was here that he acquired the recipe for a vegan soup that tastes like butter chicken3. His scenes, however, did not make the final cut of the film, and so the world would never know what kind of talent narrowly escaped their notice. Inspired by a cartoon villain, he abandoned acting and pursued a mastery of origami.


In Tunisia, he developed a recipe for spicy peanuts, using locally available ingredients. He gave the recipe away freely, however, rather than seek to profit from it directly.

He now lives in a trailer park on the North Island of New Zealand, where he bakes cookies. He can often be found in the caravan beneath the walnut tree*.


*CAUTION: when approaching the walnut tree, it is advisable to avoid being accompanied by a basket or sack. Any suspicions that you are there to take his walnuts could end in an unnecessarily turbid interaction. Walk slowly, and be careful not to bend over or taking anything from the ground. Ensure there will be no need to tie your shoes during the duration of your visit, as these situations have led to unpleasant escalations.

1. Two days or almost two decades, depending on one’s stance on what is a true name. Like the soul, one can ask if it is a thing that can be given, or a thing that must be earned.

2. He met the concept with disbelief, but he eventually accepted that the teachers, at least, believed in them. To this day he maintains that lacking words with harmful magical properties, the concept is ridiculous.


3. Mr. T’s
Lemony Lentil Coconut Soup
(from the set of “The A Team”)
cook lentils all day in diced tomatoes, chopped celery & carrots, cummin, and coriander seeds. Add coconut milk and lemon.  Add pepper, chilipepper, and salt to taste.

originally sent January 4, 2014

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