Sometimes you’re surprised when you don’t get diarrhea
Nasty old stuff from my fridge. You have to believe it’s still food.
Turning garbage into food is a practical skill, but you’re not likely to try to do it unless you’re really really hungry.
But even if you’re not hungry, it’s good practice.
So what was in my fridge, the other day, when I was not only bored but also wanted tidy up? Most people might do something like, I don’t know, throw out the bad/old food – but I hate doing that. Even if it’s finding practical use as compost, it always seems better to turn it into food, before it goes back to the ground.
Old Kefir: It had been neglected for months. Kefir is really just old sour milk, to start with, and if I have any milk that goes bad, I generally just add it to the kefir. So this was old sour milk, and it was alive.
Rejected Peanut Butter: months ago, my friend was clearing out her fridge. She knew I hated to throw food away, and she’d had this label-less jar of peanut butter in her fridge for time unknown (possibly years). She threatened to throw it in the garbage (not even compost/recycling!) unless I took it… so I took it. That old peanut butter already managed to contribute to some chocolate peanut butter mashmallow squares, but I was tired of it taking up space in my fridge when I had much better peanut butter on hand. So I grabbed that.
Abandoned Bananas: it wasn’t like I was going to spend a good or fresh banana on this pile of old and mouldy rejects. So I grabbed some (peeled) frozen bananas from my freezer. It is entirely possible that these were in excess of a year in age; it’s hard to say. I like that I have food and clothes that are often older than functioning humans. It gives you a sense of history, right in your own nearby closet or fridge.
Now that everything was in the food processor, I could optimize it to make it (more) edible, and so added some maple syrup and the rest of my carob powder.
And you know what? It was ok. More than I could drink in one (or two) sittings, but still it was okay.
Not only that, but I didn’t get diarrhea. Usually, even when the kefir is good and fresh, if I make a non-garbage smoothy with it, I still get a little bit of diarrhea. But with this garbage smooth? Old milk, bananas and peanut butter? A sour smell? Looks kind of funny? No diarrhea.
Thank you, garbage smoothy.
A few days later, I used a Tim Horton’s gift card to get a mocha iced cappucino for a hot walk home from work. It was terrible, and way too big. I didn’t finish it, and so added it to the remainder of my garbage smoothy, and, in a way, it was salvaged.
Fuck you, Tim Horton’s, for sucking.
And thank you, Garbage Smoothy, for not giving me diarrhea.