“Avocados are too big.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, they’re too big. I really like them, and I will eat the whole thing, but it’s not optimal. I mean, when I’m eating the second half of the avocado, it’s almost just indulgance — I’m just eating it because it’s there. And it’s good, but I would enjoy it more later, when I’m not as full and I hadn’t just eaten some.”
“Why don’t you just eat half of it and have the other half for later?”
“Because, as soon as the flesh is exposed its rate of degradation increases! It will get brown and less good. I know that if I save it for later, I will have only eaten half of a fresh avocado. Rather than eat a stale half, I find myself just forcing down the other half so that I won’t find myself eating a second-rate product later.”
“So…”
“So, the size of your avocados relative to the size of a human are too big. You are forcing me to either be glutinous or unappreciative!”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to make them smaller! So that I don’t have to worry about wasting the other half, either by eating it when I’m not hungry or eating it when it’s not fresh!”
“If I make them smaller it will interfere with the currently optimal surface area to volume ratio. Right now, the amount of peel you have to take off compared to the amount of food you get is pretty much perfect. If they get smaller, then people will complain that it’s too much work to get to such a small amount of flesh. A higher proportion of sunlight energy will go to the skin than the flesh and a lot of vegans will die. Is that what you want?”
“Well… wait – do you actually care about vegans?”
“It’s not the point. The point is the skin to flesh ratio. It’s perfect. If it’s smaller, there will be too much skin! Do you want it to be like a lychee?”
“No! I want you to fix it! (Wait… why did you even make lychees?)”
“(to keep birds and squirrels busy) I’m not going to change the size of avocados just because you’re a little bitch that can’t eat the whole thing. And I’m not going to tell you the simple solution that would improve your life immensely.”
“The simple solution?”
“The simple solution other than not being a little bitch, yes. If I revealed it to you, the potency of the lesson would be lost. It is even detrimental to tell you that there is a solution. But–”
“Oh, are you going to tell me something like I should give the other half to someone else? That both halves will be eaten fresh, and appreciation in the universe will be doubled? And that I would be filled with the gift of giving and my friend would be filled with the gift of receiving? And that the joy my friend and I would bring each other would far outweigh any concerns about the optimal size of an avocado? Is that what you were going to not tell me!?”
“Not necessarily…”
“Because if that’s the case, then why didn’t you give me any friends? Why did you make me such an asshole!?”
“I forgot–”
“Or are you going to tell me that the design was meant to necessitate interdependence to drive the selfish to seek personal growth and realize that they really wanted to have friends all along?”
“Well…”
“Yes! Perceive the imperfect world as perfect through the power of sharing! It sounds like you’re just making excuses for bad design. I had to kill three people to get this avocado! And it’s too big! Maybe if it was smaller, I would have only had to kill two people. And now, after risking my life to get this avocado, you’re telling me I won’t really be happy unless I share it? Are you some kind of hippy?“
“Wait, what? What is going on down there?”
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know! Why don’t you come visit sometime and experience the acquisition and consumption of an avocado yourself!?”
“I have to go.”
“Oh, you have to go! Is that your answer for everything? Is that what Jesus would say?
Hello? Where did you go?
So, Ummm…. Are you going to make them smaller, or what?”